Oscir stared at his latest visitor. "How did you get in here?"

"Hacked into the Yggdrasil system," the little old man said. Wrinkles lined his face; between them were smaller wrinkles, with even smaller ones between those, like some sort of fractal pattern. "Everybody's doing it these days. You wouldn't believe how many people have accidentally managed to give themselves godly powers. Not that I would try anything like that. I just wanted to meet a goddess or two and borrow her undies."

"You're not supposed to be here," Oscir said. "The Butt competition is for gods. You're a manga character."

"Ah, but couldn't I be appointed as one?" Happosai tried to smile adorably and pretty much failed. "I'm sure there's a position I could fill. How about God of Sexual Perversion?"

"Are you kidding? There's a sixty-eon waiting list for that one." One which Oscir himself was number fifty-two on, in fact. "Look, I suppose I can let you stay. But only if you have a story to tell."

"A story, you say?" Happosai cast his gaze downward, putting a hand to his chin. "Yes, I think I might just be able to come up with something."

Oscir waited.

"I should mention that, just so we're perfectly clear, that I don't agree with the views of the character who appears in the story. Sadly, I've known many people who shared such views, and...."

"Just get on with it!" Oscir pulled the lever. Waters in the scrying bowl swirled, and an image began to form.

» Read More

"I heard that you were collecting stories, and... I, well..."

"You've got something for me?" Oscir asked. The man's face was a triangle -- flat on top, narrowing towards the bottom into a scrawny neck. Big ping pong ball eyes looked nervously around the room at everything except Oscir.

"I-- I just thought that using the latest in technology would help you produce better results."

Oscir shook his head. "I don't *want* better results. The fics here are supposed to be bad."

"But... but that's what I mean. Here, let me show you." The man set a case, about the size of a telephone book, onto the table. Two latches on opposite sides of it unhooked, and the case flipped open to reveal a display screen and keyboard. "This is my laptop. It's got a Terabyte of memory, with dimensionally transcendental display, and...." His face colored with excitement as he spoke.

Oscir stared warily at this unnamed man. Talking about the computer seemed to... stimulate him. He didn't feel... that way... about it, did he? It was a disgusting thought; Oscir tried to banish it, filling his mind with a picture of Nuku-Nuku sprawling out over a huge box of kitty litter.

"Anyway...." Opening a yellow and black book, the man pulled a disc from the back cover sleeve and inserted it into his computer. "What I'm going to load is a fanfiction template wizard. It produces a story for you based on a time-proven formula."

Boxes flew by on the screen, appearing and disappearing as the man clicked buttons. To Oscir, this made no sense. Where was the wizard? A wizard was supposed to be an old man with a long beard wearing a pointy hat and robes covered by moons and stars.

The man turned to Oscir. "It's almost done. I need you to choose the character who'll be featured in this story."

"A character?" Oscir pondered. "From Ranma 1/2?"

"Yes. Though if you wanted one from somewhere else, we could go back three screens and check the box to include crossover support, and...."

"No, that's all right." Oscir thought a moment, then leaned over to type a name on the keyboard. "He he he!"

+++

"That is a panda, isn't it?"

Passers-by paused, staring in disbelief at the giant animal. The panda spat casually, then raised his arms in a proper martial arts stance.

"Your move," Ranma said, readying his defenses. Though his father now wore a different body, he was still the same stupid old man. And this engagement thing was his dumbest idea yet. No way was Ranma going to be forced to marry someone who wasn't the one he wanted.

Air whished as the panda's arm zipped forward with blinding speed. Ranma ducked and weaved out of the way of the powerful strikes. He wasn't as strong as a girl, but dodging was easier with the lighter, smaller form. He hated being a girl, but it did have some advantages.

"Damn it, Pop, you know why I can't marry your friend's daughter!" Ranma grabbed onto the panda's arm and pulled, letting its own momentum carry it forward. The panda tumbled forward, flattening a "No U Turn" sign and landing sprawled across the rain-soaked ground.

Ranma turned away from his father, and found himself staring into his true love's eyes.

Her expression held no disapproval. She smiled at him with the same friendly, open-mouthed smile that she always used. But he knew, without her saying anything, that he had just done something wrong. He could always tell, just by the slightest change in the way she looked at him.

Sighing, Ranma nodded to her. She came over to him, and he felt the wet touch of her mouth on his cheek. His hand stroked her hair, wet and slick from the rain. She was right, of course. She was always right. The day they had met her had been the best day, the luckiest day of his life. That day, she'd joined them and followed them on their travels, even going all the way to China with them. Most every time Ranma had been about to do something stupid, she had stopped him and made him think twice. If only she had been there in time to stop him from taking the plunge into the Jusenkyo pool....

"Sorry, Pop." Ranma held out a hand to the panda, who rose to his feet. "I'll visit your friend."

Yes, he'd go along with it, for now. But when he got there, he'd explain to Pop's friend why he couldn't get married, because he already loved someone else.

+++

"Well, I'm just glad you're a girl." Akane tightened the belt on her gi, looking back at Ranma with an embarrassed smile. "It's just... I'd really hate to lose to a boy!"

Ranma could think of nothing to say. Smiling vaguely, he turned to go. So Akane had some wrong ideas. Big deal. Was that his problem?

But what would his true love say?

"Look, Akane... there's something you should know. There's a really good reason why I can't marry you, or one of your sisters."

Akane turned around, her gaze falling on his breasts. "No duh, Ranma."

"I don't mean because of that!" Ranma sighed. "Lemme find Pop and we'll explain."

+++


A hush fell over the room as all eyes stared at the now-male Ranma and his now-human father.

Mr. Tendo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes...." He reached an arm around Ranma's back. "Still, your problem isn't so bad. You're really a boy, so you can marry one of my daughters. Choose whichever one you like."

"No!" Ranma shouted. "I told you, I can't! I already got someone I like!"

"Oh, I think I know who you mean, Ranma," Kasumi said. "She came into the kitchen a little while ago while I was cooking. I gave her some food. I didn't know she had one of those curses."

"Huh? What're you talking about?"

"You mean she... she isn't..." Kasumi put a finger to her lip. "Oh my!"

"She isn't cursed, Kasumi," Genma said. "The way you saw her is the way she's always been. And my son thinks he's in love with her."

Ranma glared at his father. "Whaddaya mean, 'Thinks?!'"

"Now, just a moment," Soun Tendo said in an authoritative head-of-the-household voice. "Just who is this person, Saotome?"

"I'll introduce her to you, Tendo." Genma raised his voice. "Come here, girl!"

A white, shaggy dog darted in through the opened door, coming to heel at Genma's feet.

"Saotome, meet Bess," Genma said. Soun reflexively held out a hand, and the dog raised one in return.

+++

"Hmmm...." Oscir stared thoughtfully into space, then turned towards his visitor. "This has possibilities. Does this story have a title?"

The man glanced at his computer screen. "Yes. 'Altered Bess-tiny.'" He tapped out something on the keyboard. "Here, I'll show you some upcoming scenes...."

+++

"The Pig-Tailed Girl is really who?"

"Woof! Woof!'

"And why did no one inform me of this fact?"

+++

"Woof! Woof woof woof!"

"What? This is... oh my gods! You're right! This is vinegar, not white wine! I could've ruined my curry!"

+++

"Miss customer, stop! That Xiaogouniquan! Very bad you fall in spring!'

"Sorry, sugar. If Ran-chan won't have me as a human being...."

+++

"Aloha, keiki! I wen' pickin' all dese fruits jus' fo'..."

"Woof woof!"

"What? Contaminated by the legendary Aloha virus? How dare the Principal try to feed us this junk?"

+++

The man pulled his disc out and slipped it back into the book sleeve. "What do you think?"

"Hmmm... it's interesting, I'll grant you, but I think I prefer coming up with my fics the old-fashioned way," Oscir said. "Technology is a good thing, but it shouldn't be used just for its own sake, no? There's a time and a place for everything, no?"

"All- all right."

The man picked up his computer as Oscir escorted him (rather forcefully) towards the exit. Good riddance. What sort of fool would want to....

"I won't bother showing you the template wizard for self-insert lemons, then."

Oscir zipped back to the center of his lair, dragging the man along by his computer.

Oscir eyed his newest visitor dubiously. The stranger had a plain face, not at all handsome but not ugly, either. There wasn't much of anything noteworthy about his appearance. Yet something about him seemed... odd.

Maybe the cloud of inky black mist hovering over his head, spraying tiny droplets of drizzle in the air, had something to do with it.

"Who are you, strange being?" Oscir asked, knowing full well that it took one to know one.

"I am Prozac. I serve as god of depression, angst, sorrow...." He lowered his head in shame. "Oh, I know you were expecting someone more pleasant... I'm so sorry...."

"Stop that!" Oscir shouted. "Your cloud is dripping on my fur!" Not to mention that Prozac was wetting his back-issue collection of Shaved Nuns in Bondage Quarterly. "Why don't you just give me your story idea?"

Prozac appeared puzzled for a moment. "Oh, yes. I remember. You are he who is called the 'Feline God of Crappy Fanfiction.' Oh, what a lonely and tortured existence to be a hermaphroditic cat god! To be consigned to an existence of...."

"I said stop that!" Pulling a mallet out of nowhere, Oscir crowned his visitor forcefully. "Do you have an idea, or not?"

"I have one. You've probably heard of 'Ill Met by Starlight?' Mine has a similar premise. What if Ranma had a slightly different personality? I'm afraid mine's not nearly as good as that one, though. You probably don't want to hear it."

"Of course I do." Oscir smiled. "The ideas we deal with here are supposed to be bad. Step over here to the scrying bowl."

Prozac followed as he had been bade, then began sobbing loudly, tears falling into the water. "Oh, the pain! The pain and the shame! Waaaaaaah!"

"Scrying bowl!" Oscir hit Prozac with the mallet again. "With an 'S!'" He reached over to pull the handle, and the waters began to swirl....

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This is a parody of "The Bet," by Gregg Sharp. It is being done strictly for fun, and no offense is intended toward Mr. Sharp or any of the others who have worked on the series. All characters used herein are the rightful property of their respective creators.



PART ONE

Somewhere, in a room beyond the limits of time and space, dwelled a being beyond the limits of taste and sanity. The being sometimes took the form of a cat with coal-black fur. Other times, it appeared as a wild-haired young boy. In either case, the being wore an oversize smile; some would have described it as lascivious, while others would have merely looked away while clutching their stomachs.

The being laughed. "He he he! My visitor should be here soon!"

As if in response to his statement, a figure materialized in the room. A hood obscured its face, and bulky robes made it impossible to even tell what gender the figure was. Not that it mattered; such concerns were for lower beings.

A raspy voice issued forth from the figure, seeming to resonate at three or more different pitches at once. "You are he who is titled 'Feline God of Really Crappy Fanfiction?'"

"That's me!" the cat-being said. "But you can just call me by my given name. Oscir."

"I have come in response to your summons," the figure continued, maintaining a businesslike demeanor.

"Ah! Then you must be the goddess Taka--" Oscir found himself interrupted by a hand placed over his mouth.

"No. She of whom you speak has instructed me to convey a message. She refuses to be a part of, and I quote, 'whatever ridiculous project' you are planning. She furthermore says that if you so much as speak Her name, or even use it in your internal narration, divine retribution will surely befall you."

"Bummer." The goddess Tak--, or rather, the Goddess Whose Name Oscir Was Not Allowed to Mention, was reputed to be enormously powerful. There was no sense in taking chances, especially for a being whose motto was Love the One You're With. "Never mind. How about you? Come here often? What's your favorite color?"

"My function is as a god of moderation," the hooded figure answered dryly. "Though some say that the way in which I carry out my function is rather extreme."

Oscir scratched his head. "That's, um, interesting." He didn't like paradoxes; they meant thinking, and that always made his brain hurt. "Anyway, come here often? Did I use that line already?"

"I can see that you do not understand. I am a god of universal moderation. My function is to deal with those entities who imperil the cosmic equilibrium, or who are just too annoying to be allowed to exist. When I observe such an entity...." The figure froze Oscir with an evil glare -- a neat trick considering that its face remained completely hidden. "... my duty is to remove it from the continuum."

Oscir immediately backed away several feet. "Anyway, since you-know-who isn't here, perhaps you'd like to participate in my little project, hmmm?"

The figure nodded.

"The idea is to start with a timeline representing a popular, widely-enjoyed manga series -- and, by making the smallest possible change in the timeline, transform it into the silliest, most pointless 'alternate universe' imaginable. Something that will be the butt of everyone's jokes. You know the sort of thing I mean?"

"Yes. I am prepared with such an entry. It's an idea I once mentioned as a joke. One of our writers has hacked it out into a teaser. Let us watch."

The figure looked down onto the ground, where a small circular pool of water lay. For several moments, it stared into the still waters.

"Um... is something supposed to be happening here?"

Oscir reached down onto the floor next to the pool, pulling on a small silvery handle. A whooshing sound was heard as the waters of the pool suddenly swirled around and around in violent circles, and a scene began to form....

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"HYAAHH!"

A loud crash echoed through the yard as Akane Tendo's fist came down. The wooden board shattered into debris, as did the three cinderblocks on which it had stood. Her angry scowl changed to a smile as she wiped her forehead with her gi.

Slightly amused, Kodachi watched. Though she preferred to rely on precision and finesse, she certainly couldn't deny that brute force had its uses, and that Akane was an effective practitioner of it. Watching her was entertaining, in the same way that a visit to the zoo was.

Noticing Kodachi, Akane turned. "Anything I can do for you?" she said, sounding slightly irritated at the gymnast's presence.

"I have come to visit with darling Ranma. My school is hosting a dance next Saturday. I wish him to accompany me."

"You're out of luck." Akane picked up some unbroken blocks and began to construct a new pile. "Ranma's away for a while."

"Oh? Where has he gone?"

"Training trip. With his father. Left three days ago." She placed a fresh board atop the blocks, and took up her stance above them, preparing to strike.

"I see." Kodachi stared closely at Akane's face, wondering whether she was telling the whole truth. "And he will be returning when?"

A voice came from behind. "He won't be."

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The room was a bare cubicle, not much larger than an elevator, with walls of sterile white. Kodachi Kuno sat at one end of the small, wooden table and faced her opponent; an opponent who perhaps she could not defeat.

Her opponent was not more skilled than she. On the contrary, his techniques were only elementary, his strategies transparent, and his moves easily read. Under normal circumstances, he would have given her little trouble.

But they had taken her weapons. Not only the ribbon and the clubs, but they had taken the fire. Once it had raged within her with a brilliance and ferocity that rivaled the sun itself. Now their drugs had smothered it dead, leaving not even a smoldering ember. All that remained was an empty gray haze.

She could not win without the fire.

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Monkey Business

By Gary and Yoiko
Characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi. We claim no legal rights to use them.
Thanks to D.F. Roeder and Bjorn Christianson for prereading.


She crept across the room as quietly as possible, the pinkish-glow of the rising sun lighting her way. Ranma slept, and she paused to admire the sweet innocence of his expression before reaching out and tapping him gently.
There was no reaction. He didn't so much as twitch an eyelash; tickling and braid-pulling didn't work, either.
She huffed in exasperation. She'd just have to try harder.
"Mmm, five more minutes, Pop," he mumbled, shrugging off the hairy paws shaking him. The next thing he knew, a bucket of ice water washed over him.
Ranma shot up off the bed and furiously pushed dripping hair out of his eyes. "Pop! You-!" Ranma blinked in surprise. The paw holding the bucket didn't belong to Genma. "You're not Pop," Ranma said intelligently.
The chimp stood staring for a moment, then began chittering excitedly and waving the now-empty bucket as if trying desperately to explain. Ranma gently pried the bucket away before the chimp could smack him with it, and she clutched at his hand, struggling to speak.
"Ranma, what's all the noise for?" Akane grumbled from the doorway. "Hey, where'd the monkey come from?"
"I dunno," Ranma said, trying to pull his hand away. "It must've come in through the window."
The chimp looked at them both pleadingly. It's me! Me! she tried to scream, but unintelligible monkey-gibberish were the only sounds she could make. At this rate, she'd be stuck in this form the rest of her life! She wondered what the life-span of a chimpanzee was, anyway. Ran-chan, you jackass....

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PUPPY LOVE
by Gary Kleppe and Yoiko


The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. Be warned that more than one prereader rated this story as "sick" and/or "perverted;" read at your own risk.




How long was Akane going to be in the bathroom?

Ranma shifted his position, resting on the floor with his legs half-crossed. The clock showed quarter to eight, and she'd gone into the bathroom at... he didn't remember. He thought about turning on the TV, but she might take that the wrong way. It would be bad to look too eager, but looking like he didn't care would be even worse.

He'd thought that the wedding would be the tough part. It was a miracle that they managed to finish the ceremony before any of their friends found them. Now he and Akane were married, and soon they would be doing what married people did. Something he'd never done before.

Not that there was any reason why he should be worried. He was bound to be just as good at it as anyone else. But trying to guess what Akane would expect was a whole different thing. Who could tell with girls -- especially with her?

He rolled over to lie on his left side. There was nothing to worry about. All he had to do was remember what his pop had told him -- "If you look like you know what you're doing, you can get away with anything" -- and try to forget the fact that his pop was an idiot. Besides, it wasn't like Akane had any experience when it came to sex either. The idea that she might expect him to do anything... weird... was just stupid.

The bathroom door nudged slowly open. Akane appeared, crawling out on hands and knees to kneel next to Ranma.

Ranma blinked. "Um, weren't you supposed to change clothes, or something?"

Akane moved her face closer to him, peering oddly with wide eyes, not saying a word. Had she lost her voice or something? Geez, Ranma thought, talk about being nervous.

"So...." Smooth. He had to be smooth. "Shall we... go upstairs?"

Her tongue suddenly flashed out, licking his cheek.

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NOTE: This fic contains language that some readers might find vulgar and offensive. While the use of said language is justified within the context of the story, those who are strongly averse to this sort of thing should probably not continue. In any case, don't say we didn't warn you.

C&C is welcomed and appreciated from those who do decide to read onward.



Feeling refreshed after her morning bath, Akane smoothed her hair. It was the last step in readying herself for a perfect day. The sun was shining, all was quiet, and already she could smell Kasumi's hot, fresh breakfast on the table downstairs. So downstairs she ran, her uniform skirt swishing.

"Good morning, Daddy!" she said to her father, kissing him on the cheek. "What a beautiful morning."

"Good morning, Akane," her father replied, grinning broadly as he tapped out his cigarette, set down his newspaper, and turned toward the food. "Kasumi," he called toward the kitchen, "that smells delicious."

Kasumi came out, carrying the seventh platter of freshly cooked food.

"Good morning, Kasumi," Akane said as she sat at the table and spread her skirt across her lap.

"Good morning," Kasumi said. "Grr, fuck you, fuck you. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, I feel great," Akane said.

"I'm so happy," said Kasumi, setting down the platter. "Grr, fuck you, fuck you. Would you like some tea, Father?" Her head jerked sharply toward the kitchen, then she looked back, smiling. The morning sun reflected cheerfully from her hair.

"Yes, thank you, Kasumi."

Nabiki came down the stairs and sat at the table, serving herself immediately. Then she looked around, smiled, and laughed. "Oh, that's right. Ranma's already left for school, and his father's working at Dr. Tofu's, so we don’t have to grab the food while we can."

"I like having Mr. Saotome and Ranma here," Kasumi said. "Grr, grr, dirty sons of bitches, all of them die, die, die. The mornings are never dull when they’re here. Also, it gives me a chance to practice my bamboo recipes." She looked sharply toward the kitchen again as she sat down. "Grr, fuck you, fuck you."

"Forgot to take the medicine for your Tourette's Syndrome again, huh, sis?" Nabiki asked.

"Oh, dear," said Kasumi. "Grr, fuck you, fuck you, touch yer mother, grr. I suppose I must have. Ranma must have forgotten to pick up my prescription yesterday." Her head jerked toward the kitchen again.

"I’ll bring it on the way home, Kasumi," Akane said, smiling.

"Thank you," Kasumi said, touching Akane's hand. "You’re so helpful. Grr, all of them die, die."



KASUMI'S SYNDROME


Characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi, used
without permission or legal right

Idea and teaser by Matt Posner, dedicated to Jim Eisenreich
The rest by Gary Kleppe

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"It never hurts to help!"
- Eek the Cat


PROLOGUE


"YOU WHAT!?!"

Akane and Ranma looked at their fathers in disbelief at such an outlandish suggestion.

"We think it would be best for you two." Soun cleared his throat, then continued. "Since the moment Ranma arrived here, you two have done nothing but fight and bicker among yourselves. We have waited for over a year for you two to settle your differences and, sad to say, we've seen very little improvement in your relationship."

"But, Pop...!"

"No buts," Genma said. "We've already called the doctor and made an appointment. You two are expected at seven o'clock."

"Dad!" Akane growled with irritation. "Ranma and I don't need...."

Soun cut her off. "We think you do."

"Hey, no way!" Ranma said firmly. "There just ain't no way I'm lettin' some shrink mess around with my head. I got enough problems as it is!"

"Don't argue with your elders, boy!" Genma warned sharply. "As the future heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, it's your duty to do whatever it takes to make sure that legacy is secure!"

"What does me being your heir have to do with getting along better with Akane? Face it, old man, there's no good reason for me to do this so I ain't going!"

Genma rose to his feet, a look of anger on his face. "You disrespect your father! My friend Soun has given you and me free shelter and food for all this time! We owe him for his generosity and you owe it to your fiancee to try and work out your differences!"

"He is not my fiancee!" Akane screamed.

"How are we supposed to work stuff out when she clobbers me over every little thing?" Ranma said.

"Well how else am I suppose to get something through your thick-headed skull?!?"

"See what I mean? Totally unreasonable!"

"Hmph!" Akane rose to her feet and turned to leave. Ranma stood up and was about to follow suit when their fathers tackled them around their waists and began to sob.

"P-please don't go....!!!" Soun wailed.

"W-We only want what's b-b-best for you two!!!" Genma sniffled.


"Get off me!" Ranma tried to pry his father loose. Akane did the same with Soun. Neither had much success.

"Dad, please!" Akane exclaimed, frustrated.

"Uh uh!" Ranma proclaimed with determination. "No way! I don't care how much you beg! I ain't going and that's it!"


* * *


The wonderful smell of fresh miso soup filled the air as Kasumi gingerly placed a large bowl on the table. "Would you like some soup, Akane?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes, please."

"And you, Father?"

A muffled, vaguely assenting sob came from the direction of Akane's leg.

"Yes, thank you." Akane glowered.

Ranma glared downwards. "Dang it, Pop, I already said I'll go!"

Genma-Panda grunted as he struggled to reach up to get his soup while still clinging to his son's waist.


"MODERN THERAPY"

(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic)

A combined effort by Megane 6.7 and Gary Kleppe

This is a work of Fiction. All Characters and Landmarks are the
property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Video, Kitty Films,
Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and anyone else who legally owns the
rights.

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PROLOGUE

It has begun.

I look upon the destruction and it amuses me. I see friends dead and dying, victims of an irresistible force that they could not run away from, nor halt by might or by reason. It amuses me, for it is a doom that I have wrought.

I was the fiancee of Ranma Saotome, by virtue of an arrangement made by our fathers. Other women wanted him for themselves; they stood in our way and ruined our chance to be together forever. For that unforgivable crime, I unleashed the darkness in my soul, a darkness born of years of anger and of pacts with the unspeakable.

The irony is delicious. The love Ranma holds for his dear fiancee prevents him from fighting back. Can you appreciate the irony, Ranma? Perhaps not.

I see a vision of the future. A barren and dead world, with only myself remaining, unable to die as the dark forces feed on my madness. Perhaps those who die now will be the lucky ones. I care not. I have come too far already.

I hear screams, screams of agony as more attempts to halt the devastation are met with failure. Delightful.



FINAL EMBRACE

by Keener Barnes and Gary Kleppe

Characters created by Rumiko Takahashi; used without permission.

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A SILLY FANFIC FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT: PART ONE

Ye Stars (who are also Ye Writers, with one obvious exception):
(In Alphabetical order)

Sir Gary Kleppe, champion of the poor and oppressed, spouter of irrelevancies.

Sir Jim Nutley, defender of the realm, humble ranter of class the first.

Sir Numbski Shadwick, noble knight and part time restaurateur on his days off.

Sir Tatewaki Kuno(u), comic relief.

(Our story opens with Sir Gary and Sir Kuno. Sir Jim enters.)

Jim: What ho! I bring grave news. The castle FFML has fallen to the evil power of the mailer-daemon. I will ride forth to put right to this travesty! I seek the finest and bravest of knights to join me in my quest. But you two will have to do.

Gary: Hooray! We ride! Absolutely! Um... where to?

Kuno: To the FFML, as he just finished saying, you silly person.

Gary: Oh, yeah, obviously. But how do we get there?

Jim: Dost thou not possess the noble title of FFML cartographer?

Gary: Oh yeah. But that map only covers the FFML. To get to the FFML is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

All: Hmmm...

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